By Dr. Janeen J. Detrick
I used to believe that all my parent’s fights and rows were because my Dad was not a good husband or father. I thought that because he drank, he did not love us. My mother hated booze because her own mother was an alcoholic. My earliest memories were of knock-down and drag-out fights and arguments at any time of the day or night. My mother believed a good woman can change a man.
I believed that all men were incapable of being faithful because I saw my mother’s point of view. She was an excellent mom who took care of us and put her family first. My dad was usually out in the evenings with other people; not with us. He wasted money the family could ill afford to do without. I totally sided with my mother and I knew without a doubt when he did come home there would be one heck of a fight. I saw this as his fault and never noticed my mother “putting on her war paint” before he came through the door.
I completely forgive both my parents because I know they did the best with the information they had at the time and at their then level of evolution. I realize that mother has a childhood of taking care of her own mother who was addicted to booze and prescription drugs and came into the marriage with the attitude that her home would not be like what she had experienced growing up. Having that much negative energy against the issue, she inadvertently attracted it. When my dad came in from a bar she was ready for him and actually precipitated the battles to come. If she had not pushed against him so much, he would not have had to retaliate and lash out. We could have, at least, had peace in the house. I realize now that my mom aggravated the situation by adding negative energy to it. She just hadn’t known how to allow him to be who he was, while also speaking up for herself in a respectful way. As a result, he pushed against her harder and harder, because he wanted to create his life HIS WAY, and she wouldn’t let him!
I’m so sorry that I did not see the good in my father when I was growing up. I had never thought of things from his perspective before. He had had a painful childhood, and really didn’t know any different! Because of the gravity of his symptoms, his health deteriorated and he quit drinking and chasing other women, so, my parent’s marriage improved. I never had a good relationship with him until I was fifty years old. I blamed him for all my poor attitudes about men and women and poor relationships with men. When I heard about someone’s marital problems I always thought: “it’s the man’s fault as they are basically no good.” I now realize that it is not my place to judge and there are two sides to every story. Actually there can be multiple sides to every relationship. I have learned to rejoice in the relationships I have and not judge or complain about the fact that everybody doesn’t share my view point. I completely love and accept myself even though I blamed my dad for my negative upbringing. I completely forgive myself and my parents for not having learned this earlier.
I am so proud to believe and know in my heart that I create my own relationships. I am so happy to be free of the horrors of my background and to see this as a growing and learning experience. I know I can let myself be more emotionally open to others and not fear the being betrayed. I realize now that I can attract healthy people into my life, because I believe they are out there, and I am one of them! Good people who can be counted on are out there, and they are my kind of people, and my friends! I also realize that just because my mom didn’t know how to attract the kind of man she wanted, doesn’t mean that has to be my experience! I finally feel free and I thank you, self, for allowing me to realize this. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I love you, self! Thank you for forgiving me for having held onto this for so long!
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