Relationships: It’s the little things that count!

By Dr. Janeen Detrick

So, do you think you are with whomever you are with because of what or who THEY ARE?  In actuality, you are with whomever you are with because of WHO YOU ARE!  They are simply a projection of the energy inside yourself.

I know! It eliminates the excuse of victim-hood, doesn’t it?  They aren’t doing it to you! You are seeing what is in your own unconscious mind as a result of what they are saying, doing, and being.

1. What you think you see in them, is a projection of the energy in you. If you don’t like something you think you see in them, it shows you what YOU are AFRAID OF: What are you afraid you won’t get, or could lose, as a result of what you think you see in them?
2. To see them differently, see them the way you wish it would be!
3. If you “can’t”, then do clearing work on your own fears, so that you can!
4. Relationship rule: Thou shalt not parent your Significant Other! People don’t feel respected when you are always trying to tell them how to be and what to do. They feel disrespected! If you don’t like something they are doing, you can use “enforceable statements”, about what YOU will do. But analyze what you are afraid of, first.
   • I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you!
   • I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you!
   • I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you!
5. Watch my elective class, “Art of Communication” for more details on effective communication!

To keep a relationship alive, always remember that it’s the little things that count! It’s not the once per year big, expensive vacation that matters (even though those are nice!). It’s the little day in, day out “traditions of relationship” that you build that make the relationship alive and meaningful!  When one or the other of you dies, what are those little things that you will miss? Remember what you used to do when you first met? You texted each other throughout the day. Maybe you can’t do quite as much of that but do something, several times per week at least! Did you used to enjoy having breakfast together out on the veranda?  Do that! Did you used to read some inspirational material together and enjoy it?  Schedule that back in! Did you used to say sweet things, and stroke each others egos in a certain way?  You enjoyed that, didn’t you?  DO THAT NOW!

Assignments:

1. Write a list of everything you used to do together that you aren’t doing any more that you miss.
2. Write a list of everything you have talked about doing together that you haven’t yet, that you would really like to do together!
3. Write a list of all activities that would be fun and fulfilling FOR YOU if you DID DO THEM together.
4. Compare lists and find common ground! One rule here is that no one will coerce the other to do things that they hate! Only agree to do things together that BOTH of you will find fun and fulfilling!
5. Now, write lists of things that you are choosing to do for yourself, even if the other person isn’t interested in participating. Discuss these, and ascertain the frequency of participation in that activity that will not cause the other person to suffer a feeling of loss.  If they feel a sense of loss, discuss this, too, to ascertain if there is a way to help them not feel loss! Remember that using the “guilt card” is emotional manipulation, and is not effective for keeping the relationship alive! Relationships are to be a platform from which each person can more fully enjoy being themselves!  Not a platform for controlling the other person!

These assignments will rekindle the emotional intimacy in your relationship, and show you where you can make the relationship even more fun and more fulfilling!

ENJOY each other!

Dr. J