Step One: Prepare
A. Write a list of concise bullets points of what you want to communicate, using “I Feel” language! (No “YOU” language!) This preparation helps you be concise, so you don’t ramble on and on, chasing rabbits and never getting to the point!
B. Rate each item on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being strong energy, so you are prepared for compromise, if necessary.
Step Two: Set an appointment!
No emotional dumping! Just because you feel like saying it, doesn’t mean that is a good time for the other party to hear it! Also, if you feel like saying it, your communication may be too emotionally charged, and will make it more difficult for the other party to receive.
“Honey, I’d like to talk with you about_______(broad category; No details!)______. It may be hard for you to hear. I think it will take about 10 to 15 minutes. Is now a good time, or Is after dinner better?”
Then, be sure you keep it in the allotted amount of time, so they trust you!
Step Three: At the appointed time, Start by re-affirming your commitment to the relationship.
“I love being your wife, But I’ve been concerned about___________”
That way, they don’t feel threatened, and get defensive!
Step Four: Interview THEM, to collect information about their point of view.
Seek first to understand, and THEN to be understood!
“I’d like to understand how you think we can______”
“I’d like to understand your perspective about________; Can you explain it to me?”
Ask if you can take notes of what he tells you!
Write down what he says!
Also, ask, “On a scale of one to ten, ten being strong energy, how important is this point to you?”
Step Five: Mirror back what you thought he said, in order to be sure you understood correctly.
“So, if I’ve heard you correctly, you think_______? Is that right?”
Step Six: Ask if it would be okay for you to express your feelings right now, or if we should take a break, and meet at a little later time.
So, you’re checking to see if another appointment time is necessary. This prevents “emotional flooding”, and it going on too long, and getting heavy.
Step Seven: At the appointed time, you can now present your “I feel” statements, which may have changed slightly since you’ve heard “his side”!
Stay in the 10 to 15 minutes! Be concise!
Step Eight: Try to find compromises. Use your lists of the one to ten scale to ask who could concede what. If one or the other party is afraid of something, find out what they are afraid of, and look for ways to alleviate that fear.
Step Nine: After you’ve arrived at agreements, write them down!
“Since we both agree, let’s just sign that we said that!” Write it out, and sign and date it, so nobody forgets!
By Janeen J. Detrick
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