There are 10 simple rules for communicating effectively that, if observed, will save you a lot of grief, and build better relationships!
1. Any time something could be difficult for the other person to hear, set an appointment for when you will deliver the message. Do NOT just blurt it out! That isn’t fair to them, because they were not prepared to hear it just because you had an emotionally charged reaction!
2. Plan to keep it very brief and concise, having thought it through in advance, so you can deliver your message in just a few minutes. This eliminates “emotional flooding”.
3. When it’s time to deliver your message, speak in “I think”, or better yet, “I FEEL” terminology. DO NOT USE ACCUSATORY “YOU” language; “You are so________”, or, “You always_____”. Speak about the issue from YOUR OWN thoughts and feelings, not projecting into them what your assumptions are about them!
4. When someone begins using attack language against you, a little used, yet VERY EFFECTIVE, method of disarming them is to lean in closer and say, “Interesting Point of view. Tell me more about that.” Or, “That’s a very interesting perspective you’re sharing with me, and I really do want to understand your perspective. Can you explain it a little more to me?” This serves three purposes, First, it helps YOU disassociate yourself from feeling attacked, because you are recognizing that they are only telling you how THEY are seeing it; NOT what you meant, or even what actually happened. And second, it serves to remind them, even if subliminally, that what they are saying isn’t actually correct; It’s ONLY a perspective! Third, it empowers you to collect additional information which can assist you in understanding them, for the ultimate purpose of finding a successful compromise or solution.
5. When someone goes into passive aggressive communication, ask them if they would like a little break so they can collect their thoughts, and set a time to re-convene. Ordinarily, a person shuts down and becomes passive aggressive when they are on emotional overload, and need time to process what has just been expressed. This is another good reason to prepare so you can keep it brief and concise!
6. Remember that neither PASSIVE -AGGRESSIVE communication, nor VIOLENT COMMUNICATION are effective. Your ineffective way is not better than their ineffective way! Examples of passive-aggressive communication: stonewalling (the silent treatment), obliging, avoiding, rolling the eyes (negative or rigid body language), or walking away. Examples of violent communication include yelling, name calling, attack verbiage, demanding, dominating.
7. Remember: Communication must be delivered in such a way as the other person can receive it, or you have not communicated at all!
8. The goal of communication is to come to an understanding of the other person; Not necessarily to come to agreement! Then, a compromise can often be reached.
Never assume to know what the other person’s motives are, or what they were thinking, or what they meant. ASK, and then wait for their response, without having pre-conceived ideas of what you are going to say next, or what you thought they meant or intended. This is called ACTIVE LISTENING.
9. After a person has expressed their point of view, MIRROR back to them what you thought you heard them say; “So, if I heard you correctly, you thought ___. Is that right?” After you understand THEM, then ask if this is good timing for explaining what you really meant, or what your intentions are, or for them to hear your side of the story!
10. NEVER threaten the relationship, but rather, re-affirm that you are on their team, and you are intending to create greater emotional intimacy (or if it’s a business relationship, to add additional value to the company.) This allows the listener to feel safe, and assists in preventing someone getting on the defensive. However, if they get on the defensive anyway, you can ask them this, “Do I not have a right to my opinion, too? Do I not have a right to heard and listened to, too?” This usually calls upon their innate desire to be fair, and they will then listen…Hopefully! Ha!
I like to diffuse negative energy by remembering that…whatever anyone ever says about anything or anyone….IT ISN’T REALLY TRUE; ITS JUST AN INTERESTING POINT OF VIEW!
Read this little article over and over again until these concepts are embedded into your sub-conscious, so they become your communication habit.
By Dr. Janeen J. Detrick
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