………….And the Seven Principles That Kill a Marriage!
This information is based upon the research of Dr. John Gottman, as presented in his book
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The Seven Principles that don’t work, and are warning signs that your marriage will die if you continue doing them:
1. Harsh startups when you are “fighting”. Harsh startups are described as beginning the “heated discussion” with accusatory language; “You always…”, rather than “I feel” language. Harsh start ups also involve sarcasm or name calling.
2. Criticism. Offering a complaint about a specific action is very different from criticizing the person!
3. Contempt. Name calling, sneering, eye rolling, etc.
4. Defensiveness.
5. Stonewalling. This is when the person disengages from the other person.
6. Emotional Flooding; Going on and on and on about it, and crying, and wailing, and being a “drama Queen or King”!
7. Failure to respond to the other person’s repair attempts. If they try to reconnect, and repair the breech, let it be enough!
The Seven Principles that make for a happy marriage:
1. Maintain mutual respect for one another, as friends!
2. Daily expressions of fondness and admiration. DAILY, not once per quarter, not once per year on your anniversary; DAILY! Create regular, small, traditions together!
3. Shared purpose, or “meaning”.
4. Know the other person’s feelings and wants, and be emotionally supportive of their attempts to accomplish them.
5. Know each other’s friends, and build mutual friendships.
6. Turn TOWARD your partner, not away from them, for emotional support during any life transition.
7. Allow yourself to be influenced BY your partner. Become interested in the things they are interested in, if only to enjoy THEIR enjoyment of it!
By Janeen J. Detrick
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